No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.