[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
You Might Also Like
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.