No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
At least my masseuse has my back.
what day is it?