“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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This January has 47 Mondays
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor