. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
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Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?