Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Silence is golden…
But duct tape is silver.
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor
I thought my name was “Stop encouraging her” until I was 11.
Me: I want you…
I need you…
My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited