“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.