“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs