“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car