[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
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“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I have obtained a hat
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
so weird how every mom was born today
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.