No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
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Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”