Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”
No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.
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Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
Don’t hate the player, play the player. They never see that coming.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.