No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.

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It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.


Him: ‘Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?’

Me: -whimpering ‘She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle’


listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa


Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.

Put her head right through the drywall.

Goddam cheap motels.


My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor


News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”


ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”


My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.


Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.