“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
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Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
never compromise your values
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.