@Tups13

No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.

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@VikeeysSecret

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”

@sixfootcandy

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

@KeetPotato

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

@Just_Lee_

Don’t hate the player, play the player. They never see that coming.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

@sixfootcandy

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

@Elizasoul80

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

@zgbetty

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@knot_eye

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.