Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
-Canadian rap battle
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist