@LurkAtHomeMom

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

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@doll_partzz

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

@ronnui_

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

@ConanOBrien

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Unfortunately.
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.

@AnkCoupleTO

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

@carltonhimself

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

@danjan13

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

@audipenny

So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist