No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
You Might Also Like
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
groan^2
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.