@my_minivan_life

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

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@liliths_lair

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

@SbethCaplin

Remember when we used to say “Avoid it like the plague,” assuming people would actually avoid plagues?

@mom_tho

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

@dshack8

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

@david8hughes

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

@Mikestanley1

[pulls up after first date]

Me: well, this is my place

Her: a bouncy house?

Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY “YOUR MAJESTY.”

@Spaziotwat

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

@Gupton68

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

@daddygofish

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.