No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.


Remember when we used to say “Avoid it like the plague,” assuming people would actually avoid plagues?


me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!


So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.


Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.


[pulls up after first date]

Me: well, this is my place

Her: a bouncy house?

Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY “YOUR MAJESTY.”


[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

Primary cause of death: Eating


me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?


My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.