No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
he’s doing your taxes
shampoo implies shampee
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.