No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
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The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
the composer
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?