No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
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*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.