@AbbyHasIssues

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

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@psybermonkey

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

@TragicAllyHere

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

@sweet_pea707

HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?

Me: I have a boyfriend

HR: Ok, sorry to bother you

@IamEnidColeslaw

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

@MisterBombay

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

@geekysteven

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

@Jamberee13

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

@MrGeorgeWallace

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

@KinerdMccain

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.