Me: cute infant you have there
Me: so tender and mild
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?
Me: I have a boyfriend
HR: Ok, sorry to bother you
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.