Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.