i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
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Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope