me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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I don’t like it when restaurant servers ask “So what are you guys doing tonight?” because it makes me feel lame. THIS is what we’re doing, Kevin. Eating at Chili’s IS the event.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”
The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it’s because they’re named Ralph
3 y/o: I want a bagel
Me: We don’t have any
3 y/o: You’re a idiot
Me: How did you survive your abortion
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*