No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.