No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

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What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.


[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer


You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.


“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)


If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.


The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.


This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.


I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.


DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose

WOMAN: *Cries into hands*

DR. BABY: Wait where did she go