No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
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*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.