@DebraMuffin

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

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@theyearofelan

Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

@SCbchbum

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

@themiltron

interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death

@actualhuman01

[department store]

me: excuse me sir this mirror is wrong, my mom told me i was handsome

@CherBear162

Did you hear that?

What?

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

NOT “WHAT?”..WHAT!?

What?

*axe murderer kills both*

@PaulyPeligroso

90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.

@SimplySnaccbar

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

@schumoo

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

@DoneEffedUp

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

@TheDailyEdge

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”