@ohpeetie

No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.

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@iGreenMonk

One man’s internet wife is another man’s internet husband.

@IamJackBoot

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

@LoveNLunchmeat

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

@mommajessiec

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

@macho_montana

My professor is 74 and he isn’t confident using Zoom so he’s prerecorded the rest of our classes. Today, I watched the first one. He has a Pinocchio doll in the front row because he isn’t comfortable teaching to an empty room. I’m social distancing for this man and this man only.

@MarfSalvador

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

@Browtweaten

[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash

@AndyAsAdjective

It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.