my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
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When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I camp so other people don’t have to.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
A bold strategy
I’m having an out of money experience.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.