@ohpeetie

No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.

You Might Also Like

@Angibangie

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

@RidiculousSheri

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

@LindaInDisguise

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

@ThoughtOtter

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

@TheDreamGhoul

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

@LilMoose77

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

@Jinxy00

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.