@CulturedRuffian

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

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@sixfootcandy

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

@KKAlThani

Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.

@KerryHowley

My son just asked me if I when I was little I had to stay inside for COVIDs 1 through 18

@AimeeHelene1

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

@HatfieldAnne

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

@captainkalvis

Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over

Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah

@suedechukka

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

@dtrainboy

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

@Bandersnaaatch

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?