No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!


Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.


My son just asked me if I when I was little I had to stay inside for COVIDs 1 through 18


Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.


Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.


Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over

Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah


Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll


Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?


Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?