No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

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Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?


No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.


The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs


[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww


kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*


corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”


Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”


Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.


I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.