No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
You Might Also Like
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Every damn time
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.