angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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Me: what are ya in for?
Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches
Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall
Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:
He’s itchy but won’t tell me where
The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries
I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon
The fish have to stay in the fish tank
His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog
Well, humanity. We had a good run.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people