No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.