No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.

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You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.


I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.


Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.


You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter


[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?


A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.


Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns


my mom asked me if I ever wanted to go to Machu Picchu and i was like “yeah i’d love to” and then she was like “then go! literally who’s stopping you” and then she left


I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice


*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.