The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
You Might Also Like
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
mechanics be like
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.