No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
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“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.