No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
You Might Also Like
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.