No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
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Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute