[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]
him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.
*hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work*
“Excuse me, are you okay? Because you’re kinda stealing my thing”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”