@junejuly12

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

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@MarfSalvador

[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]

him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs

@PaperWash

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

@TweetPotato314

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

@kwirkyKerri

Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.

@Mormonger

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

@HiddenPinky

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

@GrahamKritzer

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

@MmeSurly

My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.

@SortaBad

*hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work*
“Excuse me, are you okay? Because you’re kinda stealing my thing”

@FullGrownChris

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”