No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.