“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Perfect
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.