No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
You Might Also Like
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high