No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!