No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
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Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I feel attacked.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.