[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
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Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.