No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.