@Jenny4ashley

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

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@LnL245

M: Um, you just spelled “qwerty” as “querty”.
H: So?
M: Look at the keyboard.
H: And?

M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]

@dril

oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal

@daemonic3

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

@Nindoonjibaa

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

@steveolivas

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

@Bobinhiding

Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”

@nattygeeee

Turns out my top three hobbies are:
1) restaurants
2) bars
3) non-essential businesses

@BlueOnBlack72

I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.

@KalvinMacleod

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.