M: Um, you just spelled “qwerty” as “querty”.
M: Look at the keyboard.
M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”
Turns out my top three hobbies are:
3) non-essential businesses
I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.