saying “u should smile more”
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile
saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”
-she also will not like it probably
-nope she definitely wont
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
me: *down on one knee*
her: omg omg omg it’s finally happening
me: *tightens my velcro straps* what
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Neo: I’m going to solve the Matrix
Agent Smith: Glitch, you thought.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.