No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

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M: Um, you just spelled “qwerty” as “querty”.
H: So?
M: Look at the keyboard.
H: And?

M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]


oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal


Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?


Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind


It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.


11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.


Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”


Turns out my top three hobbies are:
1) restaurants
2) bars
3) non-essential businesses


I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.


Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.