@Jenny4ashley

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

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@randypaint

saying “u should smile more”

-boring
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile

saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”

-very fresh
-she also will not like it probably
-haha unless?
-nope she definitely wont

@jawbroken

November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone

@WritePlay

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

@wendchymes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

@RobDenBleyker

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

@dudehugs

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

@PoshTick

me: *down on one knee*

her: omg omg omg it’s finally happening

me: *tightens my velcro straps* what

@shariv67

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

@daddydoubts

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.