@sixfootcandy

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

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@voldemortsbicep

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

@IamEveryDayPpl

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

@Jeffwni

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

@liv_thatsme

Some guy just tried to pay me for a Craigslist item with a check,but I’m not stupid. I made him pay me with a cold, hard, American $15 bill.

@HomeProbably

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

@roboticcrab

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

@P_o_n_k

DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose

WOMAN: *Cries into hands*

DR. BABY: Wait where did she go

@RowdyBowden

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

@TwinSurvivalist

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.