No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
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surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
💻🤡
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok