No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
only 11 steps left
Just a reminder, folks: