No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what