me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
*I’m worried about tomorrow*
Tomorrow: I’m fine, stop worrying.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
She sells sea shells on the: