@theDanLawler

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

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@pilau

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

@JediGigi

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

@twylaredsun

I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.

@ClichedOut

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

@blahdevivre

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

@OctopusCaveman

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

@daemonic3

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

@daemonic3

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore