No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
mechanics be like
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
You sure about that?
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes