@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

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@AbleLikes

I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

@FredTaming

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

@ibid78

[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much

@tigersgoroooar

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

@donttouchjames

what if peach and bowser were married the whole time and we were really just controlling a paranoid schizophrenic plumber trying to kidnap his old highschool girlfriend

@Jenny4ashley

I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.

@Fickle_Filly

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

@timdonakowski

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”