WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
You Might Also Like
most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you
What I say:
What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Don’t be shy, send that 8th unanswered text
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
If you think my tweets are bad, you should hear me singing in the car.
Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:
4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Like 4 of his hoodies
800 thread count sheets
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.