No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

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WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?


most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you


What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.


Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?


If you think my tweets are bad, you should hear me singing in the car.


Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:

4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top


[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Record player
Like 4 of his hoodies
800 thread count sheets



I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.


Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.