@LeagueofNope

No thanks, people who hum to themselves.

I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you’re possessed.

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@DominicStraw

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

@MadamBetteNoire

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

@TuSoonShakur

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Do you party?

Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.

@rockyandthesun

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

@outsmartedmommy

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

@HomeProbably

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

@voldemortsbicep

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

@thenatewolf

Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf

Guy: do you mean polo?

Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes