SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce