@HolycrapitsaKat

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

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@Sarcasmo718

The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.

@iamspacegirl

‘Nothing like a real book’ I say
‘The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!’

My tree girlfriend’s parents sway uncomfortably

@Mr_Kapowski

[takes a bow]

Craft Store Employee: Hey you have to pay for that

@Sir_Strange

“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”

– my mother

@UncleDuke1969

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ???????? ??????????? ????????
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

@MrSpoonicorn

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

@david8hughes

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

@hunz74

I don’t worry when two shopping carts are stuck together, I just go with it and use both…or three. Today I had a row of ten.