@theshamingofjay: No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn't follow through on at the end of the year, I'd get married again.
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@AdderallMomma: Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.
@AaronFullerton: If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.
@Jarhead44: My ex just followed me on Twitter. That said: "Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary." *BLOCKED*
@michaelianblack: Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I'm never like, "Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?"