@theshamingofjay

No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.

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@squirrel74wkgn

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

@lmegordon

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

@EyeSeeYou619

[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]

@JessiCanadian

Me: Do you have any mini-ipods in stock? Guy: what color? Me: Any color. Guy: We don’t have any. You Sir, have achieved stupid greatness.

@The_JRM

My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.

@mofrorock

“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder

@ThaJawn

Glue: *holds two pieces of paper together

Crazy Glue: *holds two pieces of paper at gun point

@SirEviscerate

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

@AGreaterMonster

Someone stole my car from the Target parking lot, but fortunately they returned it at 11:00 pm when it was the only car left in the lot.