Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
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Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.