No thanks, toilets that flush.


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My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.


I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.


5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question


Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.


I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes


[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.


#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.



If you drink a gallon of water per day, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy peeing.

Stay hydrated my friends.


Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.