No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.