No thanks, toilets that flush.


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If you buy a house off Craig’s List, it comes with a free serial killer.


People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.


Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:


The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.


LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up


More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon


The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.


[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”