@Book_Krazy

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

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@sixfootcandy

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

@_b1p0larbear

I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.

@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

@philco816

Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.

@Lilybrees

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

@Tommytoughstuff

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

@bigmacher

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

@mistermelbee

NUTRITION FACT:

If you drink a gallon of water per day, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy peeing.

Stay hydrated my friends.

@ilovepie84

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.